My life’s experience

It’s been almost 40 years but i remember it like it was yesterday. I was a young mom, 22, with 2 girls under 2. I had been married for about 2 and a half years to my high school boyfriend, B, who i married much too quickly with no understanding of how to make a relationship work. Furthermore, I now realized that I didn’t ask enough questions about his upbringing and i certainly hadn’t done the work necessary to heal from mine. This day, I was in a courtroom, standing up in front of the judge as we discussed child support as a component of our upcoming divorce. I didn’t have any money so i had agreed to work alongside the one B was somehow able to afford. I’m standing there listening to the judge and B debate over how to deal with the fact that i was “unable to manage money” so B was hesitant to actually give me cash, he pleaded with the judge. The judge asked him how he thought he could do it. B offered up a “brilliant” plan–he would come over every Friday evening after he went to the grocery store and bring food so his daughters would, at least, have something to eat. I left the courtroom in a rush, crying and angry at the same time. My new problem was that i had ridden with B because I didn’t have any money, even for gasoline. I took off walking. I had a 10 mile hike ahead of me and I would do it twice before I would have gotten back in the car with him again. I made it home. It took years to get the divorce. Real child support was never granted.

Looking back, it all made no sense. I was the adult in the house working full-time, overnight at a nursing home. I was the person who had to figure out groceries for me and the kids because he “allotted” me $12 a week to supplement my WIC-Women, Infants and Children- benefits. (He worked several hours a day cooking at a restaurant where one if the perks was getting to eat a full meal each shift.) I was the one who learned to offer rides to places for others and, in return, get a few more dollars to buy some bologna, the cheapest meat, to at least have something other than milk, eggs, cheese and cereal. I worked midnights, had my kids during the day while he was in school and babysat a couple of neighborhood girls to supplement our budget. But, i couldn’t manage money.

This day was the opening scene of a 8 year separation. There was no hurry to divorce, i learned to live, on my own with my girls. It took me a very long time to put a name to what had been occurring throughout my life–financial abuse. Why did i say “all my life”? Because, I came to realize that this was very similar to the dynamics between my mom and dad. Without going into the entire story of their marriage, i will explain how their marriage ended. My dad left home when I had just turned 18. He, like B, obtained a lawyer. He agreed to sign over our home to my mom, an almost 60 year old maid at a hotel. She didn’t fight anything. Her fighting was over. The house was in a lot of disrepair and she had absolutely no way to make the repairs. She decided to sell it even though doing so broke her spirit even more. At closing, she learned my dad had assigned so much debt to the title that she walked away with nothing. She was distraught. Financial abuse does that to you.

When most people think of domestic violence, the first images that pop into their minds are of either bruises and/or hurtful words. But, according to the Office on Women’s Health (www.womenshealth.gov), financial abuse is when the perpetrator “takes control of the financial assets to control their partner or to prevent them from leaving”. While this may be the end results, this, by far, does not give the actual scope of the problem. There are many tactics used:
employment harassment,
identity theft,
refusal to acknowledge the financial status of the household,
running up credit in both adult’s name or not helping their partner establish credit,
refusing to pay child support past separation,
making her justify every cent that is spent.
Financial abuse or exploitation is merely one aspect of abuse, but it is oftentimes not acknowledged as occurring. The victim’s life is scarred for a very long time.

What does it mean to be abused? First and foremost, abuse is about power and control. The tactics in a violent relationship are often very similar across the board. Some are very obvious–hitting, use of a weapon, sexual coercion, name calling–but others are far more difficult to put a name on it and are missed by those in the victim’s life. The end goal is to make the victim more dependent and to lessen their ability to leave.

According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, 98% of all violent relationships have financial abuse as a component.

Yet, we don’t discuss it or even recognize it. Why? A part of the problem comes from cultural norms from generations ago which are replicated far too often. Couples, many times, do not have deep conversations before marriage or cohabitation about money beliefs and spending/savings styles so differences in expectations are not solidly defined. Though this may not lead to future abuse but can lead to more misunderstandings and, in relationships where violence has occurred, financial abuse can lead to more difficulties leaving the relationship. Afraid to talk about money? Then that is a red flag that needs to be addressed. Why are you hesitant?

Are you embarrassed about your finances or worried about how they will respond? Not addressing it, either way, does not lay the solid foundation for a healthy future as a family.

Have you seen aspects of your partner’s spending, work expectations, demands on accountability for you but they and are not treating you as an equal? How the relationship is while you are dating lays down the patterns of what might happen in the future. If you are feeling uncomfortable with their behavior then this is another red flag that you have to address either individually or within a therapeutic relationship with a counselor or therapist.




A few weeks ago, i read an article about advice that a newly engaged woman was given from her grandmother. The woman had called her grandma to share the good news that two great things had happened–the engagement and that she just got a raise at work. Her fiance was on the call with her. The next day her grandma called her back. She nonchalantly asked if her granddaughter was by herself, which she was. She then told her a “life lesson”. She advised her that, from now on, when she got a raise in salary, don’t tell her partner exactly how much more she was making. She told her that the best thing she could tell her was to “tuck away some money”, in case of an emergency, like if she had to leave quick.

Grandma knew that, unfortunately, we have to continue to put our oxygen mask on ourselves, first. As women, we are told by the world that our needs come second. We put too many people, places and things ahead of our own needs. We celebrate when things are going great and try desperately to fix the problem when they fall apart. The same thing goes with money. We have to wrap our heads around the facts. We have to begin teaching financial literacy as early as possible.




https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/financial-abuse