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Sending myself into the world…

and out of my funk.

I have been gone a while. From here, from the world. If I am honest, and why should I be anything else here? Right? Who would I be lying to? What benefit does it have?

Well, apparently, lying has been a valuable coping skill for me. “How are you feeling? ” Great! “What do you want to do?” “Oh, anything is ok, you choose.” On and on. What’s wrong with that? Maybe I should just be happy talking to anyone, and people expect me to have a new problem every day, or at least one a week. Isn’t going anywhere better than home?

Damn it, NO! I am becoming an old woman in spirit much faster than I need to. My broken string is depression, most of the previous posts have an underlying hint of depression, too.

I need to list the positives, now.

  1. I have been going to the YMCA three times a week for over two months, except for when I was in the hospital or recovering.
  2. I am not hurting anymore from the automobile accident.
  3. I have art supplies that are screaming to be used.
  4. My SSDI check is deposited in 2 days.
  5. I have recruited two guest writers for the Peacework Consulting Facebook page.
  6. I am now able to stand up from the car seat about 70% of the time, independently.
  7. I am able to lift myself out of the wheelchair 90% of the time.
  8. I showered yesterday with no anxiety attack.
  9. I gathered some of the branches into the recycling box by myself.
  10. I’m acknowledging that I, yes me, can and will notice the things I am confronting head on.

I am truly my own worst enemy. I have talent and information the world needs to have. Yes, a dandelion is a weed, but it certainly has learned to ensure that that here will always be more next year. Some people view people like me irritating. Too bad, I am figuring out a way to prosper into the future, too. Get ready for it. It will be worth it.

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Averting crisis after crisis

When you get caught up in ‘crisis mode’ bad things happen, even when you are trying your best to remain afloat. Today, I am reminded.

Last month I was the passenger when my car was totaled. Front end crash which left me bruised from my sternum to my waist, left side. To say that I was sore is an incredible understatement. To make matters worse, a lump formed, or was felt, in my left breast. I finally told my doctor and the race for answers began.

Now, onto the forest fire pictured. When the office called the screening center they were informed that my last mammogram was in…. (wait for it) 2 0 1 2. Yes, 2012. I just didn’t realize that. The woman who was making the appointment looked at me kind of crazy. I just spoke my truth–I have been so busy putting out forest fires–a back injury, MS, lymphadema, losing gainful employment, not being able to drive anymore… (need I continue?) that I have no time to rake the leaves. You know, that preventative steps you are supposed to do — you know all the things that ‘normal people’ do — to stay on top of things.

I recognize that it is time to figure out how to get it together. I had my mammogram today, three step mammogram. I had the traditional, run of the mill mammogram, not 3-D because medicaid managed care doesn’t pay for the ‘great option for finding cancer early, a more intense exam, and finally an ultrasound. When they went to get the radiologist I assumed my goose was cooked. But, I got a reprieve. I have what appears to be ‘deep tramatic tissue damage’ which needs to be reviewed in three months. He is 98% sure it is not cancer.

Ok, I won in this case. But, on many levels I am not doing the things I know has to be done. I need to eat better. I need to go to sleep earlier–yes, earlier than midnight. I need to figure out my car situation. I need to get a way to earn a bit more moolah. I need to get out more, yeah, other than doctor’s appointments or the ER. I have painting that needs to be completed in my bedroom so I can set it up. I have to get someone to mud the new walls in the bathroom before the moisture damages the drywall. I have about 50 things that need to be listed to sell or gathered to donate. The list can, and does, go on and on. It isn’t getting any shorter.

So, since I am showing how to succeed as your life evolves, it is time to do what I have to do. What can be done right here and now is going to sleep. I have an appointment bright and early. I have good food available for every meal tomorrow and the company that is going to install my furnace and air conditioning will be here at 11 to go over the plan.

There is a time when the fires will win. Not now, though. Not now.

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Yes, I should be asleep

It’s a bit after 4 in the morning. About 2 hours ago my daughter and son along with me got back from what was supposed to be a spectacular meteor shower. They each saw a couple. Me? I would be lying if I said yes. But, it was ok. I liked being on an adventure, I tried. I came home, read some Facebook about the horrible white nationalists actions in Virginia, got marginally drawn into some difficult to read comments. Then I decided to change gears and watched a TED Talk about choosing our reactions.

Well, I seriously needed to listen and feel her words. The quote shown on the featured photo was from the talk–(paraphrasing) people can take from us but we are only left with one option–how we choose to respond. Powerful. I am going to go to sleep and process it, many times, I believe.

I have been choosing some pretty crappy responses. People have paid me back. Oftentimes, it is very much different than my fantasies.

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My life as a cat,….

and I hate cats. Hmm, does that mean that I hate my life? In a short answer, yes, a part of it.

Cats are said to have 9 lives. Humans aren’t usually that lucky, well, at least we don’t know for sure. I know, though, that I have been give more than enough reasons to wake up and turn my life around, but don’t. It is like I keep challenging my reality, saying that it ‘can’t be worse than this’. Oh, yes it can.

How many ‘lives’ have I been given as a ‘do over’?

Number 1: my mom said often of her ‘difficult delivery’ and the doctor’s work on me after it.

Number 2: after recently learning to crawl I was practicing the skill and found a fairly large screw on the floor which I ended up choking on. I was turning colors when they found me, turning me upside-down, beating on my back to dislodge it.

Number 3: for a while, my infant daughter, husband and I lived with his mom. My father-in-law had recently been released from prison. He and mom-in-law were not married anymore but he stopped by frequently, not in a good way. My husband was at work, he was a cook and worked late. My daughter and I were in bed, asleep. I woke up with a gun to my head and him saying that he would kill me if she didn’t have sex with him. I am assuming she did. I was petrified. My husband’s response? He was just trying to make a point.

Number 4: still in the mind boggling marriage. We were fighting literally days after our 2nd daughter was born. About what? Who knows. It could have been about the weather, food, the baby crying, his mom wanting us to do something for her–now, us needing to buy something, really, who know. I have no recollection of the fight, just the results which was him strangling me and me falling to the floor on top of the newborn. I forgot to say that I was holding her. He picked up our one year old and left, on his motorcycle, I have no idea how. A neighbor saw him and came in because they knew that I would not have allowed him to take her like that. They were able to revive me. No, I didn’t call the police. Don’t ask me why, the answer is confusing to anyone who has not experienced domestic violence.

Number 5: weird diagnosis of Pseudomyxoma Peritonea, appendix cancer. One in 2 million people, yay me. At that time, there were only 7 or 8 doctors in the country who were considered specialists, of course none locally. Many trips to Texas, MD Anderson and it appears all is fine. Well, except for the bankruptcy that resulted from twice a year appointments which were not covered by my insurance.

Number 6: kayaking with my son on a new river. We went around a bend, got caught in some aggressive Rapids and flipped. I got hung up in the roots of a tree in the water and couldn’t disengage. Eventually I was able to push myself down enough and got too the surface.

Number 7: There is no number 7, except figuratively. My life that I worked diligently to create has died with my increasing disability. No longer can I stand in front of audiences to speak. No longer can I carry things for a clever display. No longer can I work 10 hour days going from one thing to another. Hell, no longer can I drive.

So, this is my list of second chances. One would think that I recognize the gift that I have been given. But, I have not. This is the reason for the blog.

Yes, I hate cats. I don’t have to hate me. And, yes, I still have two more chances.

Can I learn how to perform with 3 strings?

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I’m hung up on F words

All of my missing string come down to one thing: fear. Fear of not:

  • Walking 
  • Stand up from ANYTHING 
  • Working
  • Going broke
  • Crowds
  • Being alone
  • Running into people I used to know 
  • Meeting new people 

So, where do all of these fears get me? Tied in knots, I get no where. I am at a loss for solutions. What I am trying are several things. 

First, I am talking to my doctor on Wednesday. I am wondering if, the physical things–falling, difficulty in standing–could be caused by something with my inner ear. I have tinnitus really bad. Perhaps, the conditionsare intertwined. I have also began attending, and DOING it, an older adults exercise program at the YMCA. Maybe the issue is that my core is weak because of the MS, Lymphedema and I am just not active anymore. The lack of activity is because I was so sick last year, my depression and, taking me back to the purpose of this post, am afraid of being seen.  I hate using the wheelchair. That is purely a mental thing. No one has responded negatively. 

Learning to just be, confidently is the prescription for my health. Learning to trust may be hard but definitely worth the payoff. 

Photo credit: blog.socialitysquared.com

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Shhhh….

We should both be sleeping. But, I have to brag. For the first time since April 15th,  2016 I slept at least a part of the night IN A BED! And, tonight is the first time since February, 2016 that I was able to get up completely independently. 

I feel accomplished. But still tired. So good night. I GOT UP BY MYSELF!!!!!

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WTF

Second usage of the ‘f’ word in the same week. And, no, it is not one of the ages shone above. 

Why do I resist challenges, self created challenges, so aggressively? I just don’t understand. Me.

I challenged myself to create something, everyday, for a month. I successfully did it for….one day. One. Miserable. Day.  

I even tried to figure out a way to say that I did do it, just didn’t post about it or a picture of the creation. Why couldn’t I do that, you know, lie? Because I did nothing yesterday except help my assistant tidy up the shelf that holds my clothes and organize my bedside table. Creative? Not by any stretch of the imagination. 

So, I sit here today and contemplate: start over or double down? I am choosing doubling today. I will be back a bit later to share.

BUT, I did start my give-away challenge. I gave a worry stone to Terry.  So, I am on track for that. Lol, on track. That seems to be the strangest thing to be proud of. 

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Enough 

is enough. I believe that I am on the 10th+ post. Posts that are only reiterating all the ‘can’t’s’ in my world right now. But, is that what I want to see, feel, be? All the ‘I cant’t’s’? Is that what I think anyone would like to follow? And, if they do need to read about the demise of D. Mize then theyneed to go on down another road.  Because I have can’t’s.

I can’t:

  • Drive
  • Work full-time 
  • Climb stairs 
  • Walk without the rollator 
  • ……..

This list could go on and on. 

But, what CAN I do? 

I am an advocate for social services. I know resources. I know people. I have people reaching out to me for help and information concerning intimate partner violence, pretty frequently. Those things fill up a lot of good things. 

But, is my only value found in advocacy? I seriously hope not! I have given myself a challenge. Well, two challenges. First, I am going to create something, everyday. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as I do something. Today my creation is: 

I created this as a beginning of the logo for a page that I run called Peacework Consulting. The mission of the page is creating a resource for communities to come together and address prevention of intimate partner violence at the macro level.  All to often services funded to address the problem rely on the victim as the solution. While it is crucial for those being victimized be a part of the answer, to put them in the position of ending the violence is a good example of why it continues. 

Ok, I feel off the ‘I am good at other things that social services advocacy’. Old habits do die slowly. 

I will create and post daily.

The 2nd challenge is to give away something every day. Because my income has drastically been reduced, I will have to be creative. (There I go again with creating)  This will begin in a few days. 

Both are exciting. Both are great ways to perform. With a different vision that what I had a short time ago.  Let the music begin. Or continue. With an adaptation. To me.
Photo credit Jamelle Sanders