It’s been almost 40 years but i remember it like it was yesterday. I was a young mom, 22, with 2 girls under 2. I had been married for about 2 and a half years to my high school boyfriend, B, who i married much too quickly with no understanding of how to make a relationship work. Furthermore, I now realized that I didn’t ask enough questions about his upbringing and i certainly hadn’t done the work necessary to heal from mine. This day, I was in a courtroom, standing up in front of the judge as we discussed child support as a component of our upcoming divorce. I didn’t have any money so i had agreed to work alongside the one B was somehow able to afford. I’m standing there listening to the judge and B debate over how to deal with the fact that i was “unable to manage money” so B was hesitant to actually give me cash, he pleaded with the judge. The judge asked him how he thought he could do it. B offered up a “brilliant” plan–he would come over every Friday evening after he went to the grocery store and bring food so his daughters would, at least, have something to eat. I left the courtroom in a rush, crying and angry at the same time. My new problem was that i had ridden with B because I didn’t have any money, even for gasoline. I took off walking. I had a 10 mile hike ahead of me and I would do it twice before I would have gotten back in the car with him again. I made it home. It took years to get the divorce. Real child support was never granted.
Looking back, it all made no sense. I was the adult in the house working full-time, overnight at a nursing home. I was the person who had to figure out groceries for me and the kids because he “allotted” me $12 a week to supplement my WIC-Women, Infants and Children- benefits. (He worked several hours a day cooking at a restaurant where one if the perks was getting to eat a full meal each shift.) I was the one who learned to offer rides to places for others and, in return, get a few more dollars to buy some bologna, the cheapest meat, to at least have something other than milk, eggs, cheese and cereal. I worked midnights, had my kids during the day while he was in school and babysat a couple of neighborhood girls to supplement our budget. But, i couldn’t manage money.
This day was the opening scene of a 8 year separation. There was no hurry to divorce, i learned to live, on my own with my girls. It took me a very long time to put a name to what had been occurring throughout my life–financial abuse. Why did i say “all my life”? Because, I came to realize that this was very similar to the dynamics between my mom and dad. Without going into the entire story of their marriage, i will explain how their marriage ended. My dad left home when I had just turned 18. He, like B, obtained a lawyer. He agreed to sign over our home to my mom, an almost 60 year old maid at a hotel. She didn’t fight anything. Her fighting was over. The house was in a lot of disrepair and she had absolutely no way to make the repairs. She decided to sell it even though doing so broke her spirit even more. At closing, she learned my dad had assigned so much debt to the title that she walked away with nothing. She was distraught. Financial abuse does that to you.
When most people think of domestic violence, the first images that pop into their minds are of either bruises and/or hurtful words. But, according to the Office on Women’s Health (www.womenshealth.gov), financial abuse is when the perpetrator “takes control of the financial assets to control their partner or to prevent them from leaving”. While this may be the end results, this, by far, does not give the actual scope of the problem. There are many tactics used:
employment harassment,
identity theft,
refusal to acknowledge the financial status of the household,
running up credit in both adult’s name or not helping their partner establish credit,
refusing to pay child support past separation,
making her justify every cent that is spent.
Financial abuse or exploitation is merely one aspect of abuse, but it is oftentimes not acknowledged as occurring. The victim’s life is scarred for a very long time.
What does it mean to be abused? First and foremost, abuse is about power and control. The tactics in a violent relationship are often very similar across the board. Some are very obvious–hitting, use of a weapon, sexual coercion, name calling–but others are far more difficult to put a name on it and are missed by those in the victim’s life. The end goal is to make the victim more dependent and to lessen their ability to leave.
According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, 98% of all violent relationships have financial abuse as a component.
Yet, we don’t discuss it or even recognize it. Why? A part of the problem comes from cultural norms from generations ago which are replicated far too often. Couples, many times, do not have deep conversations before marriage or cohabitation about money beliefs and spending/savings styles so differences in expectations are not solidly defined. Though this may not lead to future abuse but can lead to more misunderstandings and, in relationships where violence has occurred, financial abuse can lead to more difficulties leaving the relationship. Afraid to talk about money? Then that is a red flag that needs to be addressed. Why are you hesitant?
Are you embarrassed about your finances or worried about how they will respond? Not addressing it, either way, does not lay the solid foundation for a healthy future as a family.
Have you seen aspects of your partner’s spending, work expectations, demands on accountability for you but they and are not treating you as an equal? How the relationship is while you are dating lays down the patterns of what might happen in the future. If you are feeling uncomfortable with their behavior then this is another red flag that you have to address either individually or within a therapeutic relationship with a counselor or therapist.
A few weeks ago, i read an article about advice that a newly engaged woman was given from her grandmother. The woman had called her grandma to share the good news that two great things had happened–the engagement and that she just got a raise at work. Her fiance was on the call with her. The next day her grandma called her back. She nonchalantly asked if her granddaughter was by herself, which she was. She then told her a “life lesson”. She advised her that, from now on, when she got a raise in salary, don’t tell her partner exactly how much more she was making. She told her that the best thing she could tell her was to “tuck away some money”, in case of an emergency, like if she had to leave quick.
Grandma knew that, unfortunately, we have to continue to put our oxygen mask on ourselves, first. As women, we are told by the world that our needs come second. We put too many people, places and things ahead of our own needs. We celebrate when things are going great and try desperately to fix the problem when they fall apart. The same thing goes with money. We have to wrap our heads around the facts. We have to begin teaching financial literacy as early as possible.
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/financial-abuse
Tag: domestic violence
Continuing to continue
Like so many times before, I feel as if “continuing to continue” is the best I can do. It feels like there is progress occurring. Last week there were two very good programs, one at my alma mater, SIU-E, and at a church in Illinois for its women’s ministry. Next week I speak for the commencement at Starkloff Disability Services for the Career Academy, another alma mater, and have arranged a meeting with the local parole agency to attempt to begin the batterers program, independently. The gentleman sounded interested. I took several opportunities for training, one for the business on email campaigns and several others trying to complete the requirements for ICDVP. Not an easy task right now
It’s important to remember, myself included, that the tortoise won the race. Eventually. I’m keeping my hopes up.
Rebroadcast, yes to more contact
A friend is rebroadcasting her show tomorrow evening on boundaries. I was fortunate to be on the show, her best viewed last year. Needing to look for more opportunities. Thankful for those I have.
New year, once again
I’ve challenged myself to 3 big goals resolutions, for 2022: 1. Work on deeper relationships with my family, mainly my children and granddaughter. 2. Get Zach to the place where he can move on. 3. Decide if I really want Join Me to happen as a business, or just a meaningful side gig.
Each of these build on the other. My relationships have been struggling for decades because I get overwhelmed. I have worked in reducing domestic violence for decades. I have always recognized that this passion comes from personal experience, but this meme recently woke me up to the amount of problems it has caused. Out of those listed, six are on point, even though those on the “outside” might find that surprising. These have led to the other two issues that have led me to these resolutions for 2022.
Unfortunately affording therapy isn’t in the cards right no, or the bank account. I know someone reading this says it’s always possible, but not right now. It is on the list, at the top, when a few things realign. My biggest challenge is working through some intergenerational trauma. Some questions can’t be answered, unfortunate those who have the answers have passed. (Like why did we have to call my great-grandmother by Mrs. Beers? Even her kids did. Something was up with that!) Working on these things will benefit everyone and everything.
So, I’m going to get started. I have gotten a book on trauma to start the process. I’ve set up my planner on things to do personally and professionally. I’m giving myself daily goals, little and big. I’ve started dreaming.
Personal daily goals–Drink more water. Stand up 10 times a day (for those unaware, I have primary progressive multiple sclerosis and utilize an electric wheelchair). Be more grateful. Watch art videos. Three times a week, do something artistic
Family goals–reach out two to three times a week to all in my immediate circle. Schedule a quarterly get together, at least. Tag them in positive memes, stories on social media.
Business goals–add board members. Get banking things on track. Reach out to a new person once a week to introduce them to Join Me. Create 6 videos this year on strategies to reduce domestic violence. Take the state class on batterers intervention. Blog three times a week, at least.
There, the goals are out there. What are you working on?
Once again, I’ve forgotten to post
I’ve been working to get things done, just not seeing what I had hoped. The stumbling block right now is the necessary bank account. I will say this has put the problems front and center of ru Ning a business with several things–a significant disability, lack of personal transportation, and the winter.
Getting off here now and creating a plan.
We are hosting a toy drive and have lots of things to donate. I need to not overlook that!
October, day 2
Day2DVAM2021
Reproductive rights and domestic violence
Today, across the country, people took to the streets for reproductive rights. Some will see it through the narrow lens of abortion, but it is much broader.
There are few things more personal than conception. It changes everything, no matter if it’s a desired event or the consequences of a trauma, and everything in between. To have personal power over it is what everyone should demand. But, they don’t.
In an unhealthy relationship, conception is used as a tool. The perpetrator is the one, oftentimes, who get to decide if it is a positive or negative outcome, or even if it occurs at all. Sabotage of birth control is a tactic used far too many times. Refusal to even have it as an option is, too. The resulting pregnancy is seen as an ownership issue where the discussion quickly can change from glee to it being proof that the woman “cheated”, because “its not mine”. Self esteem can crash down. We know for a healthy baby, it is important that the woman take care of themselves, physically and mentally, but that becomes increasingly difficult when power and control are the focus.
Add to the interpersonal problems of “choice”, the current political climate. We have allowed rhetoric to become what we hear instead of facts. We have sound bytes instead of conversations. We learn through emotions, instead of honesty.
The vast majority of Americans believe in a woman’s right to choose, 80%, yet we don’t support it in all the ways that allow it to remain safe. We know that to reduce “untimed” pregnancies, education needs to be done, early and often. Contraception needs to be readily available. Healthcare needs to be affordable.
And relationships need to be healthy. Coercion needs to be recognized as an issue those who are victimized carry the outcomes of. A pregnancy, child, forces the mother out of the workforce far too often. Financial abuse is a key indicator in the survivor being able to successfully move on. Our current system makes obtaining child support, a divorce, etc extremely slow and difficult, ensuring some relationships will continue, no matter if it’s safe or not.
Today we took to the streets. What we do tomorrow moving forward will determine if we honestly understand the seriousness of honoring “choice”.
Photo credit: Jessica Motsinger at the St Louis Women’s March. Thank you for your permission to use.
Domestic Violence Awareness Month
This past month I’ve been interviewing survivors and businesses throughout the country trying to find where we need to go now. Stay tuned for these guidelines, truths.
Asking for action
Anyone who is reading my blog, I have a favor. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and this is the perfect year to get involved. People are talking about DV now due to Gabby Petito’s death. Why her? I really have no idea. She’s not the first pretty young lady killed this year, or even this month. But she was and the country is watching.
This next month, post something on social media about the National Domestic Violence Hotline, phone number 1-800-799-SAFE. Post your local service provider’s number. Come back and share.
The person you help may never tell you but will be thankful.
First community event!
Finally occurred. First community event. Join Me had a table at a regional Peace Festival. The project was blank puzzle pieces and attendees were asked to document, by drawing or words, what they are willing to do to create more peace. Oh the experience was phenomenal!
Our youngest was 2. Scribbled saying “heart”. Took it. One young man said peace was “a roof over his head”. He’s been homeless for several months. It was a varied group, Muslim, LGBTQ, military, Black businesses, families, teens… Exciting and the puzzle pieces were as varied.
Lots of people came over after seeing the lines. Success. I learned a long time ago that activities drive your message home. I was asked to participate in two other festivals, will wait for the email information to decide. People who I used to work with in the community came by for hugs and updates. Business cards and Join Me mission paperwork exchanged.
Two volunteers helped make the day workable, an issue I have to maneuver since I’m now dealing with working with a disability. There were more successes than problems. Yay!!!
Starting to schedule events
October is right around the corner. Amazingly. Time goes so quickly. I’d say it snuck up on me but that would be giving myself an excuse for not just getting the work done in a timely fashion.
Events scheduled, at least.
I also have 6 personal stories of help from those who have lived through victimization and community members who have helped spread the word. A little more to get done!
Performing with three strings. 