A gave up for a little bit

A few weeks ago I gave up on my vision of the non-profit. I didn’t get any leeway from the IRS for the error on the application. I don’t have the $500 to re-file. I got frustrated.

I went around the house and took down everything Join Me. The bulletin board with my goals. The planning poster. The scattered post it notes. All of it gone. I actually felt good about it.

At the same time I was experiencing a lot of symptoms of my multiple sclerosis. I was having lots of problems walking at all. I could barely stand up from my chair. I messaged my neurologist. I cried. I changed my diet. I started trying to move in my chair a bit more. I made sure I used my pumps everyday. I tried to get centered.

I found my drive. While not strong as I can be, I’m getting up out of my wheelchair 9 times out of 10, by myself. (I have to think about it, but I’m doing it!) I can walk a little bit, most of the time, a couple of times a day I’m doing pretty good.

And, today I got back to Join Me. I started messaging journalists from around the area, because we’ve had several murders. Damn. I started what I needed to do to complete a book I’ve been working on for YEARS! I then opened up my PayPal and found out that a friend sent me $200 to help with the mistake. $300 more to get. So I looked around the house and found a few things to list and sell. I reworked next month’s budget and found another $150. If the things sell, I will only need another $100. That I will put on a card.

I got my MOJO back.

And I was asked to give the commencement speech for the next class at the Starkloff Career Academy. Last week I wanted to back out. Today I researched speeches. Excited.

Community event

Scheduled a community event today. Ordered things for the booth. If I’m being truthful, I’ve started thinking maybe I want this more than it’s actually needed. Maybe this will revive my determination. It’s a Peace and Safety Fair hosted by the Center for Racial Harmony. Had a long conversation with the director, someone I know from my past life. That felt good, too.

I know, baby steps. But those little accomplishments feel so insignificant.

Out of my reach

When you are where I am: with a new business, with a significant disability, with a monetary crunch, with a few other issues that I haven’t even identified, yet… it feels normal to have a bunch of things right out of my reach. Success, the next project, my old “go to” fun activities, that dang ripe tomato in the garden. It is the new norm.

Adaptation is also the new approach and today that is what I have to work on. I am ready to publish the workbook, but the formatting requirement has overwhelmed my brain. I farmed it out to a friend. Now I have to find some money to compensate her. I found a friend to write some grants. Now I have to find some money to compensate her. I have some designs in my head for handouts. Now I have to get my head to believe I can design them.

Out of my reach.

I came to the garden to relax, alone. Someone just joined me. Time to go home and get these things in my reach.

Newness and same ol’ crap

Busy, busy, busy…boredom. Why is life like that? I have had some great strides lately for Join Me. Website? Up and getting a little traffic. One podcast guest spot completed, airing as a part of a three evening webcast. 90 professional i used to work with contacted about the launch of the non-profit. 15 responded. Not bad. Three meetings this week. Contracted with a print on demand business to see some merchandise. Reached out to two vending opportunities. Received a positive ‘let’s work on it’ about the little free pantry. Began coaching a friend. Men’s group next Tuesday and Thursday.

But no new $$$ opportunities, which is needed. That has to be my focus moving forward. Either this is a business or my charity to the world. As much as I wish that could be the case, I need to add to my income. I have done this basically free for several years. It’s time.

My friend Marilyn yesterday told me something–find your price, say it and be quiet. The response will come. Its past time.

Beauty

How many people are feeling like i am right now? Needing peace, a calm but are worried that every calm just is felt right before the storm?

It seems like the storms are everywhere. Families, social media, neighborhoods, in our own heads. Storms everywhere.

I decided that, for today, social media is on a hiatus, a much needed break. I can wait to know what devious acts are coming down from Washington. I can find out on Monday who got drunk tonight. I normally can even not care about what everyone is having for dinner. Unless I want the recipe, or the store where they bought it. Today it is flowers and garden growth.

Just at least for today.

Morphing our lives into what we desire

When I was a starry-eyed teen, I envisioned myself crafting a woman who appeared as the 2nd person. I thought I would be surrounded by people who loved and lived a life full of peace and purpose. I saw art as a key component, and sunshine, lots of sunshine.

Then life got in the way and I got sidetracked. I got sullen and the stars turned to lasers, sometimes. I saw peace as a fight, instead of a calming experience. I let others take control.

Is she still inside? Can she resurface?

A few more changes

Always true, isn’t it? You think it’s done, only to touch it in your hands and find a few more changes.

Easy fixes. Cover photo needs to fill the entire space. Non-slick interior pages. Title bigger, my name lower.

Onto the corrections.

Starting my new(est) adventure

Photo credit myevideo

For about the millionth time, I’m at the start of a “new adventure”. Starting in about 45 minutes i will be a student, this time at a project guiding people with disabilities into the workforce.

What are my expectations? First I want to get myself back in my habit of being in a place at a designated time. I know that I am bad at it now, arriving late or almost late far too often. I also need to see, virtually, a room full time people like me doing what the rest of the world takes for granted.

So it might seem like I don’t have high hopes, but I do. These are both huge for me.

Off to take care of me for a bit. Wish me luck!

Self esteem

1976

Today i was cleaning out some things from the way back. Letters I received from my then boyfriend, later husband and later still my ex after a horrible marriage. For both of us. Well, all four of us. In the stack I found this picture. I was taken aback.

You see, I think I look good. That isn’t the response I normally feel when seeing photos of myself. How has that impacted me? Badly, of course.

I’ve settled. I never felt enough. I always felt I was insecure; no, I AM insecure.

I knew I was fat. How did I know? Well, my dad took me to the doctor when i was about 14 to get put on legal speed, doctor was a prescription abusing quack. I took so much i stopped sleeping many days. I started walking miles to school just because. I really didn’t eat. This was me then. I knew I was fat. But I wasn’t. Didn’t realize that until recently.

I’ve not understood how these feelings still impact me today.

Self esteem. Life would have been different. Maybe not better. But maybe.

Entrepreneur in the continuing

Or restarting…

Several times.

I’ve always believed in the power of being your own boss. Your own decision maker for your present. Your future.

I sold handmade potholders as a kid. Door to door. 25 cents.

I sold ‘stolen’ corn, door to door. Got it from the fields we played in every day. Little did my brother and I know that the corn wasn’t for human consumption; it was horse corn. We learned this when neighbors brought it to our house and told my dad. Maybe door to door has it’s disadvantages, if you are involved in a life of crime.

Babysitting. 50 cents an hour. I started sitting when I was about 12, didn’t stop until I was 28, I think. Probably 30ish different kids. Later I did make more than 50 cents an hour, but never make enough to live off of.

I’ve tried: Avon–you would think i would do great since, apparently, I like going door to door; Melaluca; essential oils; Tupperware; Amway; life insurance; Mary Kay; life coaching…

So, I guess, since I’m still as broke as I can be, to steal a Mark Cuban term, I’m a wantrepreneur. I WANT to do it, just haven’t found my niche.

I know what I will never do again–life insurance and securities. Hated talking the game about financial independence when i was destitute. I don’t lie well. I don’t wear make-up so those in that line were not a good fit. Most of the others were just too expensive.

Coaching? That is what I’m drawn to but I end up falling into the non-profit mindset and just donate my services. Can’t make a living on that. I havevdone good; women have returned. But is it because it was helpful or free? I can’t decide.

I have a book written. Send it to a publisher? Oh, that is just too frightening.

I have a training program developed. Launch it? Apparently that is too frightening, too.

Dang it, I need a coach.